Before I go…

I don’t really have time for this any more.

But before I go, a few things I’ve learned along the way since I started this blog whenever it was.

Life is short. I think I was in my 40s when I started this. I’m 60 now, and let me tell you, life is short. I spent some time with my mom this week. She’s 80 and one helluva strong woman. I see that little twinkle in her eyes and I know where I my Bohemian self comes from. She can’t be 80; I can’t be 60. But here we are. And I can’t believe it’s been almost 17 years since we lost my Dad. I do have to say that I’m glad he isn’t here to see the mess this country has become.

People come and go. Friends come and stay, no matter what. For whatever damage I’ve done to anyone out there, I am truly sorry. I’m a work in progress and VERY capable of making mistakes. We all are. It takes courage to admit when we mess up, and boy howdy have I messed up. Still do, every day. But as Ginger Rogers sings, “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.”

In the overall scheme of things, a lot of what we think matters really doesn’t. Politics will change. Social issue will change. Love does not change. You can’t just stop loving someone, if you really do love them.

Pain can not be avoided. No matter what we do to try and avoid, go around, jump over…whatever. Pain will find us. The question is: how do we respond to pain. Think about the lepers. The problem with leprosy is that nerve damage causes them to NOT feel pain, and that’s what causes the conditions we think of when we think about people with leprosy. Blind? Yep, because something irritated an eye and there was no pain. Lost fingers or toes? Yep, because a small injury became infected and there was no pain. Pain is a gift, my friend.

God exists, and you are not God. Neither am I. Anyone who believes in self alone has a pretty weak god.

Order does not come from chaos. If it did, my house would be spotless, all the time, without me ever having to lift a finger.

There’s a real world out there, beyond this fake one we call the interwebs. Go out there and live. This thing here is the Matrix, and it’s not living. It’s pretending.

If you’re over the age of 21, for Pete’s sake grow up. It’s not all about you and how you feel about stuff.

I know all of this sounds trite; it isn’t. Life is hard. I know it, you know it, anyone who is honest with himself knows it. But, life is also beautiful. Look for that, live in that.

Know that somewhere, someone loves you, prays for you, wants only the best for you. Even when you feel alone, you aren’t. The Perseids peak tonight. Go outside and look up. Gaze past the Perseids, through the Milky Way, out of our galaxy and across the universe, and see who you find.

Drop me a line sometime, if you feel so inclined. I’m still here, until I’m not.

Hailing frequencies closed.

Back to School

There have been so many times since April that I’ve wanted to come over here and post something, anything, but to be honest I’ve been too busy. Writing.

So back in March I did a thing. Actually, in January I did another thing. I turned 60, and everything just stopped. No trip to Cielo because…Covid. I miss my Dominican sisters, and they miss all of us. Thank goodness for technology. With a messaging app and a translate app, we can at least talk to each other. In March I knew I had to do something. The fibro was out of control, so my fibro guy set up me with the experts at the pain clinic. First available appointment: mid-April. At least it was on the calendar. But, there was something else.

Last May God brought me to the Steinway store over in the ‘boro on a Saturday morning, smack dab in the middle of Covid, and held my hand as I walked around the corner to face…my piano, the one I sold 31 years ago. I brought it home with me, and we’ve been slowly getting reacquainted. Way back in ’82 I was accepted to graduate school right after I completed my BA in music, but VT could only offer a small scholarship for one quarter with no guarantees, and I was kind of tired of school and wanted a taste of ‘real life’ so I turned the offer down. I’ve regretted that over the years, but hey…life happens whether you want it to or not. And whether you like it or not, it is a gift…life is a gift.

So in April, with nothing to lose, I applied to graduate school again. Transcripts were obtained, forms filled out…and just like that, I’m a grad student. At 60. Classes started May 17. Back to that pain clinic thing: I met with a world-renowned pain specialist and we had a long conversation. In the end, we decided to try a 3-week course of Ketamine infusion. The first week treatment was May 10.

I’m now finished with the Ketamine and I have to say…it definitely helps. I see my fibro guy next week for my 6-month check in, and I’m sure more conversations will be had. No biggie.

Back to school: I’m finishing week 5 of the first 8-week summer session. I’ve been reading, a lot, and writing, a lot. Pages and pages. At first I was terrified. What the heck is Turabian, and why do I care? School is VERY picky about Turabian, and I’m finally over the learning curve there. Besides the pile of books on my living room floor, I’ve also been reading other students’ writing and…wow. Some good wow, but mostly bad wow. I have always undersold myself, as a wife, a mother, a friend, a musician, in my tech career, everywhere really. So when I got my first real feedback on a 12 page, properly cited research paper on Psalms, including an analysis of a specific one (19, if anyone cares), I was floored. In a good way. Can’t tell from reading this, because it’s 5:12 AM, but evidently I can write. Who knew? Well, except for that Artist’s Way group way back, where I was working on recovering my musical self and I wrote a little something to introduce a song that I sang, acapella, to the group. The response was, you’re a writer. I knew I wasn’t a singer, so my widdle feewings weren’t hurt. The singing was more about being vulnerable anyway.

So, here I am, 60 years old, fully vaccinated, reading and writing constantly, working with the cable guys some, not hurting, and pretty darned happy about it. The last year, 2 years really, have been, well, difficult. I’m also playing the piano, playing keys at church (two entirely different things), and God is doing weird and wonderful things in my head and in my heart. Thoughts and ideas are coming at me so fast I can’t keep up. I prayed and asked God to slow down a bit, I’m not as young as I used to be….but I am as young as I’ll ever be again this side of eternity. I called a friend who’s been down this ‘going back to school with God’ road and she assures me that I’m not crazy because I’m waking up after having had a dream in which I knew, with absolutely certainty, that God was speaking to me. I’m listening to music again, all kinds. Making friends with new songs, meeting up with old songs I’ve ignored for a while. Feeling my brain wake up from a dead musical sleep as it listens and analyzes chord structures, whether I want it to or not.

I have 2 more small papers, 2 more discussion prompts, 2 more essays, and 1 major research paper to finish in the next 3 weeks. And my second 8 week session overlaps 2 weeks…that was a surprise. That second session, it’s a 650-level class on writing theses and dissertations.

Good times.

Coming Soon

Since it’s original conception back in 2008, this blog has been about something. Some posts were good; some weren’t. Regardless, there was an agenda, sort of. That agenda is no longer required or necessary, nor should it have been, but hey…we get older, maybe even grow up a little. And when we do, priorities change. That’s a good thing.

So, now it’s time to start over, change direction, and do something else. Some of the original posts will be back; most will not.

No one really follows this blog any more, and that’s ok. It wasn’t really about gathering followers in the first place, and that won’t change. What will change is the purpose for the writing.

We are only truly silenced when we allow ourselves to be silenced. I’ve been silent for quite a while. Maybe even cancelled.

Yeah, cancelled.

Stay tuned.