We Love, We Live

We love, we live
We give what we can give,
And take what little we deserve.

Words from Once Upon Another Time from Love Never Dies…..

I can’t for the life of me get these words out of my head. So many things have happened recently that can be described in those sixteen words.

I seem to be OK with the first two lines. But that last one….”take what little we deserve.”

Deserve: to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities,or situation. Rate, warrant, justify. 

Well, that didn’t help much. Maybe it’s the word “little” that pricks, and then the tears come and I don’t know why exactly.

Do we deserve anything at all from loving and living and giving? Isn’t that what life is supposed to be about? Did Kate deserve the treatment she received from Big Sister? I don’t think so. Did I deserve it? Maybe, maybe not. Big Sister needed a mom, and that responsibility came to me de facto. I loved, love her, gave her what I could.

I think about these words with respect to my children. Did I give what I could to Wubby, or was there more to offer? I know, “could’a, should’a, would’a”. Second guessing. Replaying. It is what it is, and, for now, it is getting better.

Then the realization that a year from now, Kate will be making decisions about what she wants to do with the next phase of her life, where she wants to be. Two years ago there was no doubt: if Kate went to college it would be close by and she was staying at home. She was a homebody, no doubt. Not now. And that’s a good thing for her.

Which leaves Hubby and me. (The grammar nazi is parsing the syntax of that sentence: Hubby and me, Hubby and I…..) From a grammatical standpoint, the sentence passes inspection. The reality it represents, on the other hand, what will that look like? Expectations, machinations.

Hubby has a co-worker whose wife died last Saturday. She was 53. They have two children, younger than our kids. She was sick right before the holidays. A little over three months later, she’s gone. Expected? Hell, no. Deserved: Hell, no.

But it is what it is: Love never dies.

Every day is a gift, a chance to try again, to do something better, or differently. It feels like I’ve wasted seven years’ worth of gifts.

Image

Words to live by.

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3 responses to “We Love, We Live

  1. I think “deserve” is related to “blame” and deserves the same fate. “Responsibility” is better. Because I can play with “deserve” — from don’t deserve anything to deserve the best of everything. Remember how you thought my “I know I’m spoiled and I plan to stay that way” was a bad thing and yet for me, then and now, it was a vision for my life, not about deserve but about choices. And we know I messed plenty of those choices up and yet, and yet, in what way am I not “spoiled” (in the best sense of that word)? Not BTW that I don’t viscerally remember being in a place of the thought of “loving myself” bringing those tears, and it largely being a thing of me not deserving it, me knowing the real, unlovable me. I think I managed to walk out of that place, but I think that has to be done forward, not backward.

  2. I love reading your blogs. I can realate so well to this because of so many things that have happened here at home. Was it deserved “hell no” it isn’t deserved when it comes to my granddaughter and she had no say.
    Did I teach my oldest two everything I should have like you said could’a, would’a, should’a and I pray I done the best I could with what I had to offer! I tried my best to teach them to be their own person and to be a strong person and rely on yourself first and get a good education to make yourself not have to worry about relying on others to pay this or do that. Was I right? Who knows because in some ways they listened but in other ways they didn’t at all. I didn’t want them to have the life that I had lead for so many years and wanting better for them but did I do right by them? I pray everyday I done the best I could but was it enough? Will I ever feel I done enough? I love the last part and I am like you are my gifts wasted? I can only pray that they weren’t but still everyday is a gift and I will continue to try to do the best I can each day with what I have and pray everyday that I am doing my best!
    Absolutely Love Never Dies!!!!

  3. Love Never Dies…..so true:) Stopping by to say I needed to read that today.

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