Losing track

So I’m looking at my little blogs and wondering where on earth I’ve been for the past 2 weeks. Well, let me think.

On December 2 I re-entered the world of playing the piano in “big church”. I suppose it went well, w/ no major foul-ups, because I don’t remember playing it. I remember granny-walking up the steps to get to the piano. Still can’t do steps that well since the knee surgery. I remember granny-walking back down them again. And that’s it. Hubby said it sounded really good, and he’s usually honest w/ me when I mess something up. Plus, I’ve noticed that the times I play something really well–that should read “from the heart” as opposed to “from the head”–I don’t remember the event at all. When I was in high school my knees would shake so badly during recitals; I could hardly do the necessary pedaling. Now I just don’t think about it. I remember every mistake I made in every high school recital. Don’t remember much past that. I know I knocked my college senior recital out of the park, because I don’t remember a darn thing about it. Except for being backstage before and after.

Then Sunday night came, and things went downhill very fast. About 9:00 PM my chest, neck and left arm started hurting and the pain grew progressively worse. About 10 I started having trouble breathing. This has happened before and I’ve always chalked it up to “fibromyalgia flare-up, super-sized”, but it was worse. I called my mom, I called my nurse friend, I called my next-door neighbor. She’s a cardiac patient. My dad had so many cardiac problems that it’s still hard to keep them all straight in my head. Neighbor came over. At some point between midnight and 2:00 AM she called 911 and I went off to the hospital. No cardiac problems, JUST fibromyalgia, extra-strength. I’ve had some really bad flare-ups over the years, but this one was probably the worst. I couldn’t turn my head until about Wednesday afternoon. I already had an appointment Friday w/ a new doctor who specializes in fibro. So, I’ve lost an entire week to the monster. New doctor said that calling 911 was indeed the right thing to do given the situation. Thanks.

Today I’m learning to give my self permission to rest when I’m tired, to say “No” when I need to, like when the kids want all their friends to come over here, to be angry at things that make me angry, instead of pushing them away or inside or whatever. And then to let them go. I have to constantly pry my fingers open, to accept whatever comes, examine it, feel it, and then let it go. Hard medicine when you’re a control freak.

I’m knitting socks. I think I’m addicted to knitting socks. It looks so hard, but is really quite easy once you get the hang of the double-pointed needles. You just keep going around and around, no thought required, which is a good thing during fibro flares because thinking becomes next-to-impossible to do.

As a matter of fact, I’m having trouble concentrating on what I’m writing here now.

I think I’ll go knit.

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6 responses to “Losing track

  1. …but then, well, then there are the heals. Last year I made one multi-colored fishnet stocking for Cletus. It didn’t need a heal but it did want a mate. Sigh.

  2. Yeah, those heels. I’ve been practicing different methods for those. So far I like the “short-row” method.

    No, about that kitchener stitch you use to sew the toes….

  3. I’m not sure I can discuss the kitchener stich without tears. Give me a few more weeks.

  4. Oh man, did I find the answer for kitchener stitch….a video on YouTube. It totally worked for me, thus reinforcing my belief that I am truly a visual learner.

  5. I have a whole bunch of wool yarn just waiting to be made into socks. I haven’t knitted since, well, since Cielo lived in Coeburn I guess. I can’t even get started.

    And I sure can’t afford wool socks. And we so need them.

    Hey, I’m glad you can’t remember sh*t. About playing that is. About fibro, baby, I bet a whole bunch of it really is about opening that fist up, releasing that butterfly you’ve been crushing all these years. Play. Sing. Don’t sweat it.

    Here are a couple health things I’ve learned. If there are two ways to do something, one stretching and one not, do it the stretching way. If something I am doing hurts, I find a different way to do it that doesn’t hurt. Working so much at the barn I find that hard physical work provides its own reminders to release that muscle, release that muscle, release that muscle!!!

  6. Well, I guess I’ll have to find time to come to your house and give you sock knitting lessons….or give your daughter sock knitting lessons. I am truly addicted. Over the weekend I made a pair of baby socks for our nephew’s little boy, and a cable hat, baby-sized, just because I wanted to see what it looks like. When my daughter gives my camera back to me I’ll post some pictures.

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